The Walk

April 26, 2008

I went on a walk around the block in my hometown, and automatically it took me right back to the day my dad died. I was holding his hand when he passed away, he wasn’t talking to me or anything, but as soon as he died he was completely still. Anyways, as soon as he died I called my best friend Elizabeth. Even though she was on her way to San Francisco, her family turned around, and she showed up at my door with a box of crispy cream donuts. I was still in my pajamas and slippers, and we walked to the end of my block and sat there for an hour, eating crispy creams as I just cried. She just sat there with me in silence and let me cry. Every time I walk that direction on my block, I am right back to that day.

I remember feeling angry with all of the people that flooded my house the next couple days. I hated all the food and all the hugs and touching me. Actually it made my skin crawl to be touched, at least for a while. It bothered me, all these people in my house, everywhere people. Looking back it would have been so much worse to be alone, my mom and my sister needed people around them, but all I wanted was to be alone. I think it was more that this awful thing happened, I didn’t understand it or at least I didn’t want to, but I think I would have disliked anything that happened for a while after that.

Excerpt from High School Journal

Apr 24, 2008

I am home now, and I was looking through my journals from High School. I found this poem I wrote the day my dad died, but really it reminds me of when my mom called to tell me she had breast cancer.

The news was brief, but its context ever lasting.

A permanent change, our hearts forever gasping.

A future no longer known,

it came and tore down that security we’d created on our own.

It arrived with out warning, no threatening sound no piercing sign,

just came with a voice at the other end of the line.

We’ve witnessed the definition of having a last day,

we’ve heard every attempt at making it feel okay.

No button, no restart could be pushed to make it disappear,

So we wake up, go on and hope away the fear.

Well make it count try to help it last,

now that we know how life can slip so fast.

It arrived without warning, with nothing at all.

Behind a ring and a hello, all it took was a phone call.

cancer is EVERYWHERE

April 23, 2008

I went to my school health center to get some information on self-breast exams and breast cancer today, upon asking the receptionist for any pamphlets or posters she inquired as to why I wanted this information. At first this bothered me, who the hell cares why I needed the information? I responded by telling her about my Mom, and how I am doing a project on breast cancer. She continued on by telling me how her Mom was diagnosed with cancer nine years ago. Unfortunately her Mom’s cancer had spread to her lymph nodes, and she is currently in remission and doing chemo.

It is absolutely crazy to me how many people have cancer, or know someone close to them with cancer. It feels like cancer is EVERYWHERE. We talked for a little while in a very casual manner discussing our moms’ cancer like we were talking about directions to the grocery store. It’s funny how cancer can be so emotional, yet so matter of fact. My dad died of cancer, my mom survived breast cancer, it is what is. We conversed in our “cancer world” vocabulary: “has it metastasized?” “Oh no, it’s spread to her lymph nodes, I’m so sorry to hear that.” Once you’ve been there you know, and with so many people experiencing it, it is impossible not to talk about it….everywhere. I mean within a five-minute in and out mission to get breast cancer information, I met another daughter who is experiencing cancer with her mom. Life is so weird like that, it is so easy to feel like you are the only one, or your family is the only cursed family, when in fact almost everyone I know is linked to a cancer experience in one way or another.

One of my family’s closest friends had cancer in her wrist, and after being in remission for four years it spread to her bone, and about a month ago she had to have her arm removed. She is currently going through chemotherapy, and has lost all of her hair. Hopefully I will be meeting with her this weekend. It actually makes me a little nervous, I haven’t seen or talked with a chemotherapy patient since my Dad, and I don’t want to get emotional, even though I know she would be fine with it. It just feels so exhausting sometimes, I mean come on….why, what is the point here, you know? I remember my Mom saying that right when she found out about her breast cancer. Sometimes it is so exhausting all we could do was laugh together. My Mom would say, "okay, bring it on cancer." There’s not a damn thing you can do except live with it, keep moving on, and occasionally share your story, support, and try to connect with someone else that is going through it.

TWO WEEKS

Apr 21, 2008 at 8:22 PM

I feel that I have very torn and diverse feelings about Cancer because each of my parents have had such different experiences with it. By the time we found out about my Dad’s cancer it had spread. When the doctors first discovered it was cancer they gave him two weeks to live. TWO WEEKS. I still remember sitting on the couch when he told us. I don’t remember anything afterwards just the whole family sitting on the couch in the TV room crying. From there on out it was second opinions, surgeries, and staying with friends while my parents were at Stanford for months at a time. It was three years of ups and downs, and we slowly watched my Dad’s physical strength disintegrate. Chemo was when things got really bad. I used to go to the clinic sometimes with my Dad and sit with him while the chemo was administered through a catheter in his chest.

Central Venous Catheter (CVC): A special thin, flexible tube placed in a large vein, usually in the chest, neck, or upper arm. It can remain there for as long as it is needed to deliver and withdraw fluids.

Chemotherapy: Chemotherapy is the common term for any treatment involving the use of chemical agents to stop cancer cells from growing. More than 100 chemotherapy drugs are used in various combinations depending on the type and severity of the cancer.

Side effects of Chemo:

-Nausea and vomiting

-Hair loss

-Fatigue

-Increased chance of bruising and bleeding

-Anemia (low red blood cell count)

-Infection

Parts of the body that are affected by Chemo:

-Intestinal problems

-Appetite and weight changes

-Sore mouth, gums and throat

-Nerve and muscle problems

-Dry and or discolored skin

-Sexual and fertility issues because of effects on reproductive organs

I can't even imagine. I mean, when researching Chemotherapy there are some awful side effects and reports on it. When my Dad started doing Chemo he really started to get weak physically. While Chemo kills bad cell growth, it also has a hard time differentiating it from good cell growth, and it can kill good cells as well. That was a hard time, watching him slowly get sick for three years. It’s almost like you come to a point where you just want to know…. will he make it or not? You get sick and tired of the waiting and hoping. It’s frustrating, and so completely out of your control. That was my main concern when we found out about my Mom’s cancer. Immediately we all wanted to know…”Do you have to do Chemo?”