May 29, 2008
Final Entry:
When I first started this project I was thrilled to have the opportunity to speak up about my personal experience with a universal topic. So many lives have been touched and altered by a cancer experience, whether it be personally or through a family member that I thought it would be great to possibly connect with someone or share my experience. I thought it would be easy to express how cancer has changed and influenced my life, while offering insight into my families experiences. Yet, I found this to be much harder than I had anticipated, I found that I don't necessarily feel one way in particular to cancer, and it has influenced my world in so many ways that it is difficult to state outright. I learned through the accumulation of images and my writings that I am sick as hell of talking about cancer. It is the biggest most influential thing that has happened to me, and while I can never escape it, I don't necessarily want to talk about it anymore. I have been talking about cancer for six years, SIX YEARS. I mean every class biography, every personal reflection, every time I have to explain to new friends or boyfriends why I don't have a dad, and I am so over it. Towards the beginning of the project I felt like I had a good amount of material, I could reflect on how cancer is always on my mind, I am angry, sad, a better person BLAH BLAH BLAH, I AM OVER IT. I guess the older I get the more I feel like I just want to move on, it will always be there, it will always be sad but that is life. I do not feel like I don't want to talk about it because it is necessarily hard but rather, I am just used to it now. I have come to terms with life's surprises and heartbreaks, and all I want to do is move on. This began to show in my work, and I feel like this project has served as the ignition to the ending my conversations about cancer. In this interview with my Mom we discuss how studies about cancer patients who live the rest of their lives in denial to ever having battled cancer have a much higher survival and remission rate. This idea is a perfect summation of my feelings about cancer, it latches to you, and slowly eats away at you...if you let it. If we are able to move on, brush the chip off our shoulder and live the rest of our lives like cancer didn't effect us, hopefully it wont anymore.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Skin cancer
May 9, 2008
So a friend of my Mom’s daughter was diagnosed with stage IV metastatic melanoma skin cancer that spread to her body, organs and bones. She has created a website with information on skin protection that followed a walk that her and her father embarked on this month, May 1-5. The site is called 555walk.com, five days, fifth month, celebrating five years of being cancer free. It was a five-day walk from Napa Valley to San Francisco, and it is a fundraising and awareness walk that will end at the California Pacific Medical Center where Dr. David Minor, Kari’s treating oncologist for the last five years is. The website had tons of links for what to look for with irregular moles and tips for staying out of the sun.
So a friend of my Mom’s daughter was diagnosed with stage IV metastatic melanoma skin cancer that spread to her body, organs and bones. She has created a website with information on skin protection that followed a walk that her and her father embarked on this month, May 1-5. The site is called 555walk.com, five days, fifth month, celebrating five years of being cancer free. It was a five-day walk from Napa Valley to San Francisco, and it is a fundraising and awareness walk that will end at the California Pacific Medical Center where Dr. David Minor, Kari’s treating oncologist for the last five years is. The website had tons of links for what to look for with irregular moles and tips for staying out of the sun.
Apparently:
- 90% or more of melanoma is caused by ultraviolet (UV) radiation either from the sun or tanning salons
- 50% of lifetime exposure to UV light occurs during childhood and adolescence, but sunburn at any age causes melanoma
- Melanoma is epidemic: rising faster than any other cancer and projected to affect one person in 50 by 2010, currently it affects 1 in 75. In 1935, the disease struck only one in 1500
- One person dies every hour from melanoma
- Melanoma is the most common cancer in women ages 25-29 and second only to breast cancer in women 30-34
- Melanoma costs over $740 million dollars annually
My sister has had malignant moles removed. I surf, worse yet, I am certainly guilty of lying out. I’m not a big tanning booth fan, but I have been once our twice in High School. After checking out this website for a good couple hours and checking all my moles, I am sure I have at least two irregular looking moles. A dermatologist just checked me but I am freaking out a little bit. I have had one benign mole and one benign tumor removed. God its like I am so fucking sick of cancer. Cancer this and that, I mean it really feels like everything gives you cancer. I feel like you really cant do much but live the healthiest you can and be prepared to battle at some point in your life. Its just I don’t want to have a family and kids and go through that shit. I just really don’t want cancer. That sounds so ridiculous, but growing up with it EVERYWHERE, I can’t help but feel like it’s inevitable and while I am so sick of being scared of cancer, of even hearing, talking about, or saying the word…I just don’t want it, I don’t want to have to go there too, and the worst part about it is there is not a damn thing I can do except wait and live as healthy as possible…whatever that means.
Cancer statistics
May 3, 2008
According to the American Cancer Society statistics cancer is 23.1% of deaths in the U.S. It is the second leading death behind heart disease. This includes all types of cancer, male and female. 23.1%. I haven’t made up my mind if I feel like this is a lot or not. I mean when you think of all the ways to die, cancer taking up 23.1% is pretty up there, but I guess I expected it to be higher.
According to the American Cancer Society statistics cancer is 23.1% of deaths in the U.S. It is the second leading death behind heart disease. This includes all types of cancer, male and female. 23.1%. I haven’t made up my mind if I feel like this is a lot or not. I mean when you think of all the ways to die, cancer taking up 23.1% is pretty up there, but I guess I expected it to be higher.
In 2007 289,550 men died of cancer and 270,100 women. Lung cancer is, by far, the most common fatal cancer in men (31%), followed by prostate (9%), and colon & rectum (9%). In women, lung (26%), breast (15%), and colon & rectum (10%) are the leading sites of cancer death. In a line graph it showed a crazy linear line increasing steadily from 1930 to 2000 in deaths by cancer only to slowly start decreasing by 2003. My dad died in 2002.
Its funny how it can all be put into numbers like that. 15% of cancer deaths are women with breast cancer–moms and daughters, sisters, aunts and grandmas. I guess it wouldn’t be very scientific to label them as actual people. Looking at the information I began to forget all together that I was talking about deaths as I applied my mathematical skills to evaluate the charts. It would be so bizarre to be the person who has to collect that data. I wonder if they know anybody who has died from cancer, I’m willing to bet probably.
One thing after the other
May 1, 2008
One thing after the other. So like I mentioned before my mom just wants to move on. She doesn’t want to be labeled a survivor, she doesn’t want to head a support group or run marathons, she just wants to move on with her life. Everything has been going just fine with this plan except that now she is starting to show signs of Lymphoedema. Lymphoedema, also spelled lymphoedema, also known as lymphatic obstruction, is a condition of localized fluid retention caused by a compromised lymphatic system. The lymphatic system (often referred to as the body's "second" circulatory system) collects and filters the interstitial fluid of the body. Since some her lymph nodes were destroyed in radiation they have begun to leak fluid which causes swelling around her scars where she got the mastectomy and under her arms. She says that it is slightly sensitive and went to a specialist the other day who wants her to where this sort of glove arm band type of things. She says that it is hideous and doesn’t want to where it. It just kills me, I mean come on she beat this thing let her move on. My Mom’s case is very mild but could possible get worse. It’s funny you have cancer so you take the necessary treatments to fix it and they end up giving you another problem. Of course she is not complaining and has not mentioned that she see’s it that way at all. I guess I can’t help but see it like that. It’s not life threatening and worse case scenario she’s have to where this ugly arm band thing but come on just let us forget about it you know? Life’s funny like that, you can’t ever get too comfortable because there is always something around the corner.
One thing after the other. So like I mentioned before my mom just wants to move on. She doesn’t want to be labeled a survivor, she doesn’t want to head a support group or run marathons, she just wants to move on with her life. Everything has been going just fine with this plan except that now she is starting to show signs of Lymphoedema. Lymphoedema, also spelled lymphoedema, also known as lymphatic obstruction, is a condition of localized fluid retention caused by a compromised lymphatic system. The lymphatic system (often referred to as the body's "second" circulatory system) collects and filters the interstitial fluid of the body. Since some her lymph nodes were destroyed in radiation they have begun to leak fluid which causes swelling around her scars where she got the mastectomy and under her arms. She says that it is slightly sensitive and went to a specialist the other day who wants her to where this sort of glove arm band type of things. She says that it is hideous and doesn’t want to where it. It just kills me, I mean come on she beat this thing let her move on. My Mom’s case is very mild but could possible get worse. It’s funny you have cancer so you take the necessary treatments to fix it and they end up giving you another problem. Of course she is not complaining and has not mentioned that she see’s it that way at all. I guess I can’t help but see it like that. It’s not life threatening and worse case scenario she’s have to where this ugly arm band thing but come on just let us forget about it you know? Life’s funny like that, you can’t ever get too comfortable because there is always something around the corner.
Fuck Cancer
April 30, 2008
So I went home last weekend to gather information on my mom’s cancer, give her an interview, and take pictures. It was interesting asking my mom questions about going through breast cancer, and how it has changed her life, or what she thought about it when she was diagnosed. Automatically my sister and I compared it to my Dad’s cancer, with this whole “oh shit here we go again” attitude. Yet, my mom said that thought didn’t even come to mind. It wasn’t like she connected her cancer to my Dad’s at all, no, she said it was much more a personal thing for her. I asked her what it feels like now to be a survivor, and she cringed at the word. She said I hate that concept, “I don’t want to be placed in the “survivor” cancer group.” She talked about having read a lot of information on how people who pretend that they never had cancer have a better survival rate with no relapse. My mom has always been this very aloof individual, nothing gets her down, and if so it is for a brief moment before she cracks jokes about it, or throws a bye bye boobies party before her mastectomy, and then it is under the rug forever. Really, besides the scars on her chest, you would never know my mom had cancer–she would carry on with either a chip on her shoulder, or a gold survival medal, she’d rather just ignore it all together.
This really got me thinking, because to be completely honest, I feel exactly the same way. I asked her these cancer questions with extreme sensitivity because I wanted to be careful not to bring up any emotions or tread on delicate territory, but my mom is as casual about it as talking about directions or gardening. I realized that I am the same way about both of their experiences; I mean, we have been talking about it for six fucking years. It gets to a point where you just want it to go away, and pretend it never happened. Every time I start dating, or gain a new friend, it’s like I inevitably have to tell them why it’s just mom, and everyone offers these empathetic eyes when I'M TOTALLY FINE. I’m in college, I had two parents that loved each other, I have a roof over my head, and clothes on my back. LIFE IS AND HAS ALWAYS BEEN GOOD TO ME. I mean don’t get me wrong, a sad thing happened to my family, but sad things happen to everybody. I’m over it. It’s like cancer this, cancer that, I fucking hate cancer. I just don’t want to talk about it anymore. Yet, it will always be there, and don’t get me wrong cancer has changed my life, my entire families lives, but we’ve moved on. There is no reason to dwell, and in that sense I totally get my Mom. I’m sick of talking about it, and I didn’t even go through it. I guess it is because I have dealt with it that I don’t necessarily feel so sad anymore, or all my sadness over it is used up, I guess. Every now and then I’ll get emotional, it's weird trying to make sense of something that doesn’t really make sense, so all you can do is get the hell over it.
I guess it depends on my mood too, sometimes I am emotional, and this unexpected feeling of anger and loss can sneak up on you. That will last a couple of days before you're like fuck this, it’s over. My Mom said some lady left a message on her phone saying that her daughter had just been diagnosed with breast cancer, and she wants my mom to talk to her. My mom doesn’t think the girl will like what she has to say, “Get over it, move on, get treatment, and pretend you don’t have it,” she hasn’t called her back and doesn’t want to. I understand.
Two Experiences
April 29, 2008
With having two parents go through cancer, I cant help but compare the two experiences. When my Dad was sick I wrote everyday in my journal, I kept a journal. I haven’t written in a journal or even written about cancer since then. I think living here, living with my Dad, and experiencing it everyday made me need an outlet like writing. I needed to reflect and try to understand what was happening around me, right in front of me. Yet with my Mom, I wasn’t in the house, I was at college. Even though we were still going through it, and I was still here for every surgery, and some doctor appointments, I wasn’t facing it everyday in the same house. I would go back to school and distract myself with life as a college kid. I could almost pretend it wasn’t happening, not to mention that they were completely different cancers, treatments etc. I don’t know, maybe I have become a little accustomed to going through something like that anyways. I mean, it's not like it gets any easier, but I can’t image it gets much harder to accept and go through.
With having two parents go through cancer, I cant help but compare the two experiences. When my Dad was sick I wrote everyday in my journal, I kept a journal. I haven’t written in a journal or even written about cancer since then. I think living here, living with my Dad, and experiencing it everyday made me need an outlet like writing. I needed to reflect and try to understand what was happening around me, right in front of me. Yet with my Mom, I wasn’t in the house, I was at college. Even though we were still going through it, and I was still here for every surgery, and some doctor appointments, I wasn’t facing it everyday in the same house. I would go back to school and distract myself with life as a college kid. I could almost pretend it wasn’t happening, not to mention that they were completely different cancers, treatments etc. I don’t know, maybe I have become a little accustomed to going through something like that anyways. I mean, it's not like it gets any easier, but I can’t image it gets much harder to accept and go through.
Transition
April 28, 2008
In that transition after my dad died and my sister went to college, my mom was learning how to live without her husband and be a mom alone, while I was trying to understand what had just happened and get through high school. It’s weird, I have heard kids who have lost parents and turn crazy or rebellious. I didn’t go crazy, but I had a hard time adjusting. It's like you come to this point where you have a choice. You can live like the world owes you something, and let the anger and loss eat you up until you self-destruct, or you can take what you have been through and grow. For a while I was numbing it all with life as a teenager–parties, ditching class to surf, with this whole “ WHAT IS THE POINT” attitude. It took a combination of therapy, going to Panama, and growing the hell up to understand that there is so much to life. Talking to family friends now, there were a few people worried about me; I think that is so embarrassing. I never want to be the kind of person who dwells or gets caught up in the bad things that happen to them. I actually feel very torn between accepting what has happened, and knowing that so many people experience much more loss or pain than I have. It is hard to find a medium between appropriate grieving, and (I don’t how to say it but) GETTING THE HELL OVER IT. I hate that it makes me feel like something sad has happened to me when things could be so much sadder, and really I am so lucky.
I almost feel guilty for being sad, or angry with what my family has gone through, you know? It could always be worse, who am I to complain? Whenever I talk about my parents, and their struggles with cancer, I feel the need to conclude the conversation with “ but I am so lucky, I mean so many people have much worse things happen.”
Closet picture
April 26, 2008
I am home right now, and I opened up my closet to find a picture of my dad that I had taped to a drawer. It actually seemed really bizarre. He looks extremely sick. I don’t ever remember thinking that he looked that sick, I mean I remember him getting weaker and less able to do things, but it happened so slowly. He was sick for three years, and that is not how I remember him at all. I remember that toward the end I started to take as many pictures of him as possible, but I never thought he looked different in them. Looking back, I must have wanted to collect as much of him as possible. We always knew that losing him was probable. I taped it to my drawer next to a Roxy sticker, like it was just another sticker, when really it is this awful picture of my Dad sick. I remember my Mom asking me to take it down when I was still in High School, apparently I wouldn’t, and six years later his little smiling bald head is still stuck to my drawer, next to that stupid pink Roxy sticker, weird.
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